Mel Choyce

  • 2022 Recap

    2022 Recap

    This recap is late, but that about sums up 2022. It was a quiet year for me, and I mostly kept my head down due to lack of energy. 2022 felt more like a slog than previous pandemic years—whether because we’ve settled into this uneasy “let’s just pretend there isn’t a pandemic still happening” funk or what, I’m not sure, but it always feels weird to be one of the only people still masking inside.

    Work

    With a new job, I’ve had to work a lot on resetting my routines. I have much less time now, and spend a lot of my work day in meetings—much more than I had in the past, which has taken a great deal of time to get used to. I think it’s one of the many things fueling my low-level exhaustion, since I find video meetings especially tiring.

    But I have settled, and for all I have too many meetings, I like my new job a lot. I’m working on projects focused on improving public services, and learning a lot from my fantastic coworkers. One of my biggest fears leaving a8c was leaving behind so many amazing colleagues, but my coworkers at 18F are just as kind, hard working, and caring.

    I have a strong sense of responsibility for my work that I think was a natural progression from working on a huge open source project, to working on projects that impact huge swaths of America. I haven’t necessarily done anything super impactful yet, but even the small stuff feels like it can make a difference. I’ve always had a strong sense of civic duty, and this has only grown at 18F.

    I’m likely going to be wrapping up the project I’ve been on since mid-year in the next few months, which is exciting—hopefully that project will launch later this year, and I can talk about it more. I’m also stoked to work on something new soon.

    WordPress

    I did such little contributing this year, which was frankly weird. I didn’t receive props for my first release since I started contributing over a decade ago. I miss it a lot, but it’s hard to muster up the energy to contribute after work and on the weekends.

    I’d really love to do more work with patterns and block themes. I have some ideas for an updated WordCamp theme using full site editing, I just need to make the effort to sit down and try out some ideas to propose to the community.

    I did have a chance to make it to WordCamp Montclair in NJ this summer, and spoke on designing with block patterns:

    It was amazing to see community folks in person again, and I’m already excited for the next one this year.

    Life Updates

    The most exciting thing that happened in 2022: we adopted a new dog! Meet Noodle:

    He’s a ~1 year old jindo mix from Korean K9 Rescue and he has been an amazing addition to our family. He’s curious, playful, and gets along with everyone. He’s also been a good influence on our other dog, Lemon, and is helping her come out of her shell a little bit more.

    Also in life changes this past year, I finally got an (adult) diagnosis for ADHD, something I was diagnosed with as a kid and never treated for because I could, quote, make eye contact? And didn’t need it? Despite almost failing out of middle school? After 34 goddamn years on this Earth I am finally taking some meds for it, and I’ve noticed an improvement in my overall focus, concentration, and ability to actually start tasks. It’s not drastic by any means, but I’ll take what I can get. Looking forward to seeing how that evolves over the next year and trying not to mourn what could have been.

    Hobbies

    I’ve been doing some drawing and writing this past year, but mostly I’ve focused on improving my music skills. In addition to my regular music lessons, I participate in a weekly challenges on a music theory discord I’m in, which has been great for keeping me practicing.

    Here’s some originals from the past year:

    And some rearrangements/remixes:

    I’ve also played an ungodly amount of Horizon: Forbidden West. Will that change in 2023? Probably not. (Though I have started playing The Last of Us, thanks to the new show!)

    Onward!

    mel

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  • Last Day at Automattic

    Today was my last day at Automattic, where I’ve been employed the last eight-and-some years. It feels like the end of an era, and I’ll miss Automattic dearly.

    Automattic’s been more than just a workplace for me; it’s been a place of acceptance, growth, and opportunity. I’ve made lifelong friendships. I’ve traveled across the world to places I’d never imagine I’d have the privilege to go. I’ve eaten a lot of really amazing food. And hopefully, I’ve made a positive impact on my corner of the web.

    The choice to leave was one of the most difficult I’ve made. But, I’m leaving to go somewhere exciting, where I feel like I can make a positive difference in people’s lives. (Still remote, thankfully!)

    More on that later. I’m taking a few weeks off to decompress and make some art and music before jumping into my next big adventure.

    To my a12s: much love 💙

    mel

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  • Returning

    After two and a half months on sabbatical, I find myself approaching my return to work rather quicker than expected. This summer went by fast.

    My sabbatical has been pretty rad. I went to Ireland and got engaged. I had two glorious weeks of printmaking, and my experience teaching drums at GRCB was flat-out amazing. I’ve played an absurd amount of Breath of the Wild. A++ would sabbatical again.

    As my last two weeks start to wind down, I’ve found myself antsy to return to work. I’m having a great time, and yet, I’m also getting a bit bored now that most of my summer plans have wrapped up.

    I also find myself feeling some degree of anxiety and trepidation about returning, and that surprises me.

    Here’s the thing — I like being useful. I’m not really happy unless I’m finding ways to make myself useful. It’s just a thing, you know?

    Part of that desire to be useful is also a desire to feel like my work and my efforts are needed. This is in direct conflict with “whelp, I’m just going to pop off for three months, okay?” 

    My logical brain says: If you’re gone for three months and nothing’s gone wrong in your absence, that’s absolutely a mark of success. You handed off your work. You can take a break without things descending to hell. That’s a mark of maturity in an organization.

    My emotional brain says: Oh my god what if they don’t actually need me? What if I return and everyone’s like “oh hey yeah I guess you exist, we didn’t really notice you were gone?” What if I’m easily replaceable? What if they realize they never actually needed me to begin with, so they fire me? What if? What if? What if?

    Anxiety is one hell of a drug, y’all. 

    Anyway, I’m not really sure what to do about this. I know I’ll return to work, and it’ll be fine. There’s just this disconnect between what I know and what I feel that’s good to get out. 

    See y’all soon.

    (PS — I haven’t used Gutenberg since early June and dang is it looking nice, good job pals 👌👌👌)

    mel

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  • The Cult of Busy

    As I find myself winding down to my sabbatical, I’ve had one persistent thought that’s been causing me a lot of anxiety: why aren’t I busier?

    I’ve heard so many tales of coworkers working 60+ hours weeks, just to get everything done in time for their sabbaticals, or coworkers who ended up working through the first couple weeks of theirs.

    Conversely, I find myself, the week before my sabbatical begins. with a very manageable to-do list. 

    Instead of making me appreciate that I’m able to wind down without having to put in extra time, it worries me. I feel like I should have more to do and I need to be working more.

    I feel guilty that I’m not overworked right now. Like I’ve done something wrong.

    😬😬😬

    Why do we have such a sick obsession with overwork in America?

    I remember in college when my friends and I would regale ourselves with the shocking amount of work we needed to get done that week, like some twisted form of bragging about how busy we were. It was almost a mark of status that you were up to your eyeballs in work.

    In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes:

    One of the most universal numbing strategies is what I call crazy-busy. I often say that when they start having twelve-step meetings for busy-aholics, they’ll need to rent out football stadiums. We are a culture of people who’ve bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us.

    (I feel so called out right now.)

    Keeping busy is a coping mechanism for our feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy. Surely, how can’t I be successful? Look at how busy I am!

    We get ourselves into a cycle of believing that quantity is the same as quality. The more we work, the better we must be doing.

    Obviously, this isn’t the case. But my anxiety and my desire to be seen as capable and successful and hard-working keep tricking my brain into thinking this is true.

    The short answer to why I’m not busier right now is: I’ve known about my sabbatical for over half a year, and planned the past few months accordingly. I scoped my work out for the first half of this year with the knowledge that it all had to get done before I left. My team lead and my coach helped keep me accountable for these goals.

    The fact that I’m not busier right now, in this last week before I go on sabbatical, is a good thing — it means I succeeded at keeping the scope of my work in-check. I didn’t start anything new this past month so I could focus on wrapping up my existing projects. 

    And yet. And yet. There’s still that persistent nagging in the back of my head. Why aren’t you busier? You should be working twelve hour days this week! Everyone else has!

    Clearly, this is something I need to work towards getting over during my sabbatical. I want to be like Paul Jarvis, who wrote in his most recent newsletter: 

    I’m really not that busy with work. Outside of a few times a year, that’s just never the case. Busy is an exception, not a rule. Busy is being reactive, and being constantly reactive doesn’t seem like the best way to run a business for the long term. … Being busy often means I’m completely failing at pace and scheduling.

    Paul Jarvis, Sunday Dispatches

    I admit to being both a little in awe, and a little jealous when I read his email. But Paul has it right — busy is reactive. And busy is a shield, a tool for numbing ourselves against our feelings of vulnerability. 

    I’m not busy this week. And that’s a good thing.

    mel

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